DECEMBER 19, 2016
As the year at the movies was coming to a close, it was becoming increasingly likely that the execrable March release “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice” would hang on to snag the title of Worst Movie of 2016. It had everything — terrible acting, an illogical plot, cheesy CGI effects and Ben Affleck in a cape. Just dreadful. Couldn’t be worse.
Not so fast, though. Welcome to “Collateral Beauty.”
This unexpected late entry is just bonkers, with a preposterous plot that has to be seen to be believed and a staggeringly prestigious cast, all of whom should have known better. Heading up this parade of nonsense are Academy Award winners Helen Mirren (“The Queen”) and Kate Winslet (“The Reader”), Oscar nominees Will Smith (“Ali,” “The Pursuit of Happyness”), Edward Norton (“American History X”) and Keira Knightley (“The Imitation Game”), SAG Ensemble Award winner Michael Peña (“American Hustle”) and current Golden Globe nominee Naomie Harris (“Moonlight”). What could they have been thinking?
Just why “Collateral Beauty” is making a persuasive pitch as the Worst of the Worst is that, while “Batman v Superman” is certainly atrocious, it’s ghastly in familiar and conventional ways — we’ve all suffered through films with horrible writing, acting, special effects and a cape. But “Collateral Beauty” is so awful in so many new and unexpected ways that it manages to keep you guessing for all of its 100 minutes — what new misbegotten plot twist could possibly be lurking for me around the corner? And it never disappoints.
“Collateral Beauty” begins conventionally enough, with Howard (Smith), an advertising executive, giving a pep talk to his troops by citing humans’ reactions to the concepts of love, time and death. By three years later, however, Howard is a shell of his former self, having lost his 6 year-old daughter two years before. (The film follows “Arrival” and “Manchester By the Sea” in utilizing the always-popular “dead child” plot point, which has suddenly become all the rage this season.)
Three of his colleagues — Whit (Norton), Claire (Winslet) and Simon (Peña) — decide to do something and step in to help their friend. OK, here’s where the movie starts to go off the rails big time, but please stay with me. Howard has been regularly mailing personal letters to the concepts of LOVE, TIME and DEATH. No name or address, just write TIME on the front of the envelope, put a stamp on it, and off it goes. (I presume at least that it gets there and not Newsweek.)
In what has been arguably the most cockamamie plot point I’ve seen in ages, Whit has the bright idea to hire three stage actors (Knightley, Jacob Latimore and Mirren) to portray LOVE, TIME and DEATH respectively and have them each talk one-on-one with Howard in an effort to try and shake him out of his funk. (????) The fact that Howard’s colleagues secretly have an ulterior profit-based motivation to this crass stunt only adds an extra unpalatable taste to this entire concoction. And don’t get me started on Howard’s budding romance with his grief counselor (Harris). (!!) Or the extra-ridiculous final twist — believe me, I can blabber on at the insanity of this thing all day.
To fully appreciate the number of jaw-dropping moments in “Collateral Beauty” probably requires having to sit through it, a fate I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But if, over the holiday, you get to feel that there’s nothing worse in the world than your life, believe me buster, there is.
GRADE: D
